I do believe it's St Patrick's Day...
Mar. 17th, 2007 06:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
julesjonesThis is what happens when an American publisher makes the mistake of asking someone from Belfast to write a little something for St Patrick's Day...
The Syndicate: Four Leaf Clover
by Jules Jones & Alex Woolgrave
Published by Loose Id
http://www.loose-id.net/detail.aspx?ID=182
Lectrolon was one of the brash new planets springing up at the edges of civilised space, with cities designed on an inefficient grid principle whereby you were always equally lost everywhere, sweatshops generously and cheaply employing robots and humans alike, and a flood of cheap junk items nobody wanted but everybody sold. It was modern, go-ahead, and unbelievably irritating, as Allard knew from one ill-fated systems-security visit years ago.
"Makes Welsh tourist tat look tasteful by comparison," said Vaughan proudly.
"It gets better." More stuff was extracted from the Irishman's pockets.
All of them stared, rather appalled, at the little mound of cheap plastic knick-knacks.
Claire picked up the extremely fake gold ring. It said 'Made in Lectrolon' on the inside. "What's this?"
He handed her a little box. She opened it and read: "Certificate of Authenticity. You have just purchased a 102% authentic IRISH!! golden Wishing-Ring."
"I didn't even know there was an Ireland on Lectrolon. Ah, 'tis a wonderful thing, new inventions."
Allard took the little box off Claire and read the rest of the way through. In a spirit of enquiry, he asked, "Do the Irish have wishing-rings? And are they handcrafted by leprechauns?"
"There are tales of wishing-rings, and there are tales of leprechauns granting wishes, but maybe the tales got a little garbled on the long way to Lectrolon."
Allard scratched around in his memory. "Aren't leprechauns supposed to be about three feet high?"
"I don't actually know. Why?" asked the Irishman.
"Well, I doubt it'd be a finger-ring for a creature that size."
"Only you could be interested in the contents of a mythical being's trousers," said Vaughan.
"Oh, I'm sure you're far more interesting from that point of view. You could hardly help being larger."
Their new acquaintance did a quick inspection. "My, he is a big boy."
"Yes," said Allard smugly.
"Actually, Allard can give me an inch or so over," said Vaughan, apparently for the pleasure of watching Allard's expression as the Irishman fondled him.
Claire and Karen grabbed an arm each. "Right. Come on. We don't want you getting ideas about those two. They can make their own ideas up." They womanhandled the Irishman to his feet -- not that he was protesting.
Vaughan stared at the ring, then at the little plastic leprechaun. "Now that you made that comment about leprechauns and cock-rings, Allard, and I can see this one is green either because it's from Lectrolon and green's cheap this year, or because it's St Patrick's Day, I'm getting really disturbing ideas about glowing green cocks."
"Sex toy with its own legs," muttered Allard.
"Always knew technology would take over," said Vaughan, sulking again.
"Oh, you've still got your very particular place in my... heart," said Allard. "If I, for some bizarre reason, wanted it to glow green, I could always get the right shade of condom, which would have the advantage that it's not permanent."
"Hm," said Vaughan. "There's an intriguing marketing idea: glow-in-the-dark condoms. Plug them into your light, charge them up, then you can turn the light out and still see to put them on. And you've got what appears to be a self-propelled cock." He paused. "More than usual, I mean."
"You mean, in your extensive experience of sexual toys and tools, you haven't seen a real one?" said Allard. He'd seen one in a chemist's once, and thought 'what will they think of next?'
Why did I open my big mouth? he wondered, as Vaughan loudly expressed his determination to find one of these marvels and play with it.
Vaughan must have been drinking more green beer than he had.
On the other hand, Vaughan liked to play, and he liked to play with Vaughan, and Vaughan had a remarkable natural talent for saying and doing completely stupid things in bed and making them work.
"All right, let's go and find one. Silk sheets and a glowing green condom," said Allard, hoping his voice sounded right for laughing with Vaughan rather than at him. "I'll never be bored with you."
The Syndicate: Four Leaf Cloverby Jules Jones & Alex Woolgrave
Published by Loose Id
http://www.loose-id.net/detail.aspx?ID=182
Lectrolon was one of the brash new planets springing up at the edges of civilised space, with cities designed on an inefficient grid principle whereby you were always equally lost everywhere, sweatshops generously and cheaply employing robots and humans alike, and a flood of cheap junk items nobody wanted but everybody sold. It was modern, go-ahead, and unbelievably irritating, as Allard knew from one ill-fated systems-security visit years ago.
"Makes Welsh tourist tat look tasteful by comparison," said Vaughan proudly.
"It gets better." More stuff was extracted from the Irishman's pockets.
All of them stared, rather appalled, at the little mound of cheap plastic knick-knacks.
Claire picked up the extremely fake gold ring. It said 'Made in Lectrolon' on the inside. "What's this?"
He handed her a little box. She opened it and read: "Certificate of Authenticity. You have just purchased a 102% authentic IRISH!! golden Wishing-Ring."
"I didn't even know there was an Ireland on Lectrolon. Ah, 'tis a wonderful thing, new inventions."
Allard took the little box off Claire and read the rest of the way through. In a spirit of enquiry, he asked, "Do the Irish have wishing-rings? And are they handcrafted by leprechauns?"
"There are tales of wishing-rings, and there are tales of leprechauns granting wishes, but maybe the tales got a little garbled on the long way to Lectrolon."
Allard scratched around in his memory. "Aren't leprechauns supposed to be about three feet high?"
"I don't actually know. Why?" asked the Irishman.
"Well, I doubt it'd be a finger-ring for a creature that size."
"Only you could be interested in the contents of a mythical being's trousers," said Vaughan.
"Oh, I'm sure you're far more interesting from that point of view. You could hardly help being larger."
Their new acquaintance did a quick inspection. "My, he is a big boy."
"Yes," said Allard smugly.
"Actually, Allard can give me an inch or so over," said Vaughan, apparently for the pleasure of watching Allard's expression as the Irishman fondled him.
Claire and Karen grabbed an arm each. "Right. Come on. We don't want you getting ideas about those two. They can make their own ideas up." They womanhandled the Irishman to his feet -- not that he was protesting.
Vaughan stared at the ring, then at the little plastic leprechaun. "Now that you made that comment about leprechauns and cock-rings, Allard, and I can see this one is green either because it's from Lectrolon and green's cheap this year, or because it's St Patrick's Day, I'm getting really disturbing ideas about glowing green cocks."
"Sex toy with its own legs," muttered Allard.
"Always knew technology would take over," said Vaughan, sulking again.
"Oh, you've still got your very particular place in my... heart," said Allard. "If I, for some bizarre reason, wanted it to glow green, I could always get the right shade of condom, which would have the advantage that it's not permanent."
"Hm," said Vaughan. "There's an intriguing marketing idea: glow-in-the-dark condoms. Plug them into your light, charge them up, then you can turn the light out and still see to put them on. And you've got what appears to be a self-propelled cock." He paused. "More than usual, I mean."
"You mean, in your extensive experience of sexual toys and tools, you haven't seen a real one?" said Allard. He'd seen one in a chemist's once, and thought 'what will they think of next?'
Why did I open my big mouth? he wondered, as Vaughan loudly expressed his determination to find one of these marvels and play with it.
Vaughan must have been drinking more green beer than he had.
On the other hand, Vaughan liked to play, and he liked to play with Vaughan, and Vaughan had a remarkable natural talent for saying and doing completely stupid things in bed and making them work.
"All right, let's go and find one. Silk sheets and a glowing green condom," said Allard, hoping his voice sounded right for laughing with Vaughan rather than at him. "I'll never be bored with you."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-18 02:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-18 03:01 am (UTC)Funnily enough, it was the English half of the writing team who came up with the idea of the Ulsterman putting on a fake southern accent, not me.
How fortunate that British 70s TV contains a quote for everything...
Date: 2007-03-18 07:57 am (UTC)'"Begorrah", he said, or words to that effect.'
Re: How fortunate that British 70s TV contains a quote for everything...
Date: 2007-03-18 03:48 pm (UTC)